The Tyrant You Can Trust: Vermin Supreme

Robinson Lee, Staff Writer

Every American deserves a free pony. That is a promise that 2020 presidential candidate, Vermin Supreme, holds highly. To him, the American people have been denied their “right to pony”. Thus, under President Supreme, the U.S. will take initiatives to provide a pony to every single American to accommodate a pony based economy, stimulating industries such as saddle-making, blacksmithing, and alfalfa farming. Platform aside, the boot-cap wearing, toothbrush handling, curly bearded, friendly, fascist Vermin Supreme is a satirical jab at the politics which has dominated the U.S. for the past decade. Supreme isn’t new to the political battlegrounds by any means, though as he has had a public track record dating all the way back to at least the ancient year of 2004.

Supreme’s early records show that he has participated in a number of state presidential primaries, one in 2004 in Washington, D.C., and a New Hampshire Republican primary in 2008. But Supreme’s biggest hit came in 2012, when he participated in the 2012  “Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum” in New Hampshire. In that forum, Supreme elaborated on his campaign ideas, mainly instituting mandatory tooth brushing, using zombie-fueled energy resources, and his pony initiative. 

But, he also showed a mark of genuine self-awareness, as he told the audience during his first speech, “I will promise you anything that your little electorate heart desires” when talking about his campaign promises and how he will not keep them when taking office. He also proudly spoke about how he gave one of his kidneys to his mother and challenged the audience to do the same. 

However, Supreme is most famous for glitter bombing another presidential candidate, Randall Terry, who is well-known for his pro-life and anti-gay marriage stance. Supreme told the audience, “Jesus told me to make Terry Randall gay,” before he poured glitter on Terry, further proclaiming “he’s turning gay” as he ran out of glitter. All that aside, Supreme now has his focus on the 2020 presidential election.

Currently, Supreme is on the ticket for the Libertarian Party, coming in second by winning one primary. As for his policies, they haven’t changed much since his rise in popularity in 2012. First, his pony initiatives are not only planned to increase pony ownership, but they are to be used for identification purposes. He also has stated that a primary reason for starting this program is to increase the number of jobs in the U.S., as with his program, there would be an increased need for horse-related laborers. His point closes with him stating how pony poop can be used as fertilizer to help the U.S. agricultural sectors.

 Another policy he is campaigning on is instituting a mandatory toothbrushing law in all 50 states, as he believes that “America has been suffering a great moral and oral decay in spirit and incisors.” To solve this problem, Supreme would create flying monkeys to act as tooth fairies and also replace the police with a series of “moral hygienists”. These hygienists would act as tooth brushing enforcement—conducting smell-your-breath tests and undertaking community action to seek “out any traces of literal or ethical gingivitis.”

With all of his humor and satire, Vermin Supreme looks like a prospective nominee for the Libertarian Party. Despite his humor, his demeanor and message about libertarianism and individual freedoms are quite openly pronounced, making him a candidate to look out for. After all, we all need a good laugh in politics every now and again.

Photo Courtesy of THECAULDRON.COM