The Apache Pow Wow

Oh, Donald

Conner Hua, Staff Writer

As anyone with siblings would know, sometimes spending too much time around the same person can lead to irritation and vexation. For example, once, when I was seven years old, I grew so frustrated with my older brother (for reasons I can’t remember), that I clipped my toenails and mixed it into a bowl of ice cream, which I gave to my brother. As he enthusiastically shoveled ice cream into the black hole that is his mouth, he stumbled upon one of my toenails. When he fished around in his mouth and pulled out my toenail clipping, he immediately gagged. It was one of my favorite memories from my childhood, but probably not one of his. It wasn’t my fault though. His level of incompetence was basically asking for toenail ice cream.

Thus, you see my predicament with Donald Trump. Donald and I have reached our one-year anniversary, and our relationship is rocky to say the least. I am now questioning whether or not I can make it through this whole relationship thing. Here’s my Tinder story.

We first matched on Nov. 8, 2016. At first, going into our relationship, I had heard some pretty bad things about him, but I decided to give him a chance. At the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself, “I can change him”. And so, we officially went on our first date on Jan. 20, 2018. In case you didn’t know, Donald is somewhat of a public figure, you could say. So obviously, our first date had a lot of paparazzi, cameras, and people. He had to give a speech; some of my friends called it an “inauguration”? As if that was a word. The date didn’t go that bad, I was interested to see what the rest of our relationship would hold.

As the year went on, we went on a few more dates, and I could begin to see a future with Donald. I was on my laptop when I saw on the news that there was apparently a “travel ban” that blocked people from some countries I have never heard of from coming to the US. I was shocked that people could actually be banned from coming here. If I was banned from leaving the U.S to other countries, I would be furious at their racial discrimination! Later that month, Donald and I met up to go to the beach,  and he was telling me about withdrawing from some “Paris Agreement”. He was talking about how the “Paris Agreement” was some deal he made with his friends in other countries to curb his emission of “greenhouse gases”. The whole thing didn’t make sense to me but what I did know was that the large amounts of greenhouses gases in our atmosphere caused global warming and a rise in temperatures. I knew that it was super bad for our environment and also, if it gets too hot, my spray tan might melt off! I told him that I thought it was a bad idea to withdraw from the agreement, but was sadly ignored. We sat in awkward silence for the remainder of the car ride.

It was getting near Halloween time, and I was scrolling through Twitter after I posted a picture with my avocado toast with the caption “#justgirlythings”. I went on my boo’s page and noticed a lot of back and forth Twitter posts with Donald and some other account. My first instinct was that he was cheating on me with this “Kim Jong-Un”. I spent nights crying over Donald and Kim, and so many thoughts popped into my head. “What does Kim have that I don’t?” “Is it because Kim is prettier than I am?” “Why can’t Donald tweet me like his Korean girls?” My friends tried to convince me that it was merely petty Twitter beef, but I couldn’t rid the thought from my head. I booked a flight and flew away from D.C. to get space from Donald.

As we struggled with the long distance relationship, I enjoyed luxury life in California although the Californians didn’t seem to be fans of my significant other. I’d always heard news of California being a “blue state,” but no part of California is blue! As tax season rolled around, I went to pay my taxes when I discovered that my taxes went up significantly. The tax dude told me it was because a new tax bill that attacked blue states to give to the red was passed by the same guy who did the travel ban. He explained that it impacted California greatly with the elimination of deductions of state and local income taxes. I didn’t really trust the tax guy because once again, California isn’t blue at all, but I still believed him nonetheless. Oh man. I didn’t know how I was going to survive because my 3 million dollar income is now only 2 million due to my taxes! I’m basically below the poverty line!

After the new year, I couldn’t stay away from his irresistible orange smile anymore, so I moved myself back to D.C. to be with him once again. Looking back on last year, sure, our relationship wasn’t very good. I questioned many of his choices, and we have fought countless times over various issues. We had our ups and downs but I can sense that our relationship is going to last through his many, many downfalls, possibly even three more years of them! I do have concerns about our future together, however, because time and time again he has made reckless and immature moves that make me worry. I do have anxiety about Kim, and I hope that this person doesn’t conflict with the relationship between me and Donald. All in all, Donald’s a pain to deal with sometimes (most of the time), but hey, let’s hope it gets better. That, is my Tinder Story.

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Oh, Donald