Satire: Testimonies from a White House Zoom Call


Sandi Khine, Staff Writer

Following social distancing orders, Washington is operating remotely from the safety of everyone’s homes. Thankfully, our federal government is extremely competent—so much so that they are able to carry out business as usual, even without meeting in person. How do they do it? The iconic Zoom web application, which looks suspiciously like the Apple Facetime icon, has been the lucky host of several White House Zoom calls.

In the midst of a pandemic, it’s no secret that leading a country is difficult. And while President Trump is no doubt the expert of experts on everything having to do with COVID-19, a leader is nothing without his people.  

Here’s a short snippet of what went down in a super exclusive meeting that one of our reporters was lucky to sit in on. 

President Trump: Obviously, we have to open the country. It’s clear. All the signs are there. Coronavirus will go away without a vaccine. Vaccines are a scam, by the way. Have you ever had a needle be good? No. So, vaccines wouldn’t work anyway.

Anthony Fauci: With all due respect, President Trump, I don’t think— 

Mike Pence, holding a glass of Chardonnay: I’ve been thinking about a new summer camp idea for young boys. It would be fully funded, of course. 

Betsy DeVos: Fantastic, Mikey boy. I’m positive that public reception for your summer camp will be absolutely electric. Speaking of the public, I think we should leave public schools closed until Fall 2021. And maybe forever. Public schools are useless, by the way. We should take advantage of this pandemic to convert all schools to private Catholic schools. 

Trump: Becky, what a wonderful idea you have there. It will help the economy a lot. Yeah, like really. Coronavirus is a hoax. WE WILL WIN THIS WAR. And the mainstream media liberal snowflakes will lose! [Our reporter mentioned that the President then downed a 30 oz bottle of Pepsi]

Kellyanne Conway: —and then everything will be fine. Oh, apologies. It seems my microphone was off. Anyway, I really respect the virus, but people are going to die. Personally, that’s their problem, not mine. I just want to get my nails done. 

It was at this point that our reporter was unceremoniously kicked out of the Zoom call. It seems that the President accidentally knocked over his computer and ended the call. However, we have been honored to hear how our country’s leaders are continuing to work hard and serve us in any capacity.


Graphic Courtesy of LATIMES.COM